Gifts

Last reading of the Year. Solstice is Here! And Gifts!

Happy Magickal, Mystical, Marvellous, Magnificent, Majestic, Merry, Manic, Manifesting Monday!

Hello delicious lovely! How are you? I am sooooo looking forward to Solstice and I have three Solstice gifts for you! (Which you will discover as you read.)

I want to wish you an amazing holiday season – however you celebrate, and to say thank you. Thank you for being here, thank you for all your lovely emails and messages. Thank you for being you and sharing with me.

Solstice arrives on Thursday the 21st and I am thrilled, as not only is it Solstice, it’s my youngest’s birthday!

But what does the energy of Solstice bring to you?

At the Winter Solstice, when the world appears to stand still, it can serve as a moment out of time, an opportunity to reconnect with our own souls once again.

There’s a very special stillness about the season we are entering. Even though everything appears dead & frozen in the outside world, a new cycle is beginning. You can sense there is magic brewing deep down in the dark.

Winter is like being in the chrysalis stage in the evolution of the butterfly. It’s the time when the caterpillar is wrapped up quietly, in the dark of her cocoon. To the outside world it doesn’t look like anything is happening. (And this is one of the most challenging things about embracing rest: to the outside world it doesn’t look like anything is happening. Our brains scream at us, telling us “you’re not doing anything. You’re wasting your time.”)

But actually, deep in the dark, a quiet transformation is happening: the caterpillar is evolving into a magnificent butterfly.

This is the same transformation your spirit, and all of nature, is undergoing this season. To the outside world life is still & quiet, there’s no movement. You don’t see anything meaningful happening.

But in the darkness, hidden deep inside, a powerful transformation is occurring. You are evolving into a whole new place in your life.

It’s a time of dreaming.

Dreaming up the dreams of everything that will grow in your life this year.

Dreaming up new plans, new ideas, new ways of being that will blossom & grow, and become bountiful harvests in the year ahead.

The dreams of everything to come this year are being sparked in your winter’s rest.

Winter is the season when things are revealed by turning deep within yourself.

Embracing the quiet & the darkness – recognizing that you don’t need to do anything for the magic to unfold.

This is the season of receiving.

Are you willing to receive?

The first gift I have for you is the delightful story of the Yuletide Faeries, a wonderful story to read as an adult, share with children or grandchildren.

The second gift I have for you is a 20 minute guided visualisation called Winter Solstice – Heart Weaving. This lovely guided visualisation walks you into the warm dark, and you are going to meet some amazing guides and allies. Come dance with archetypes, myth, healing and shamanic transformation. And weave something new.

The third gift I have for you is the lovely process of The Omen Days!

And for those who have asked how long “Opening the Doors on 2024 Reading” will be available, it will be available until December 26th, as will The Book of Winter Solstice.

Let’s crack on with the reading. When I went to the cards and asked who wanted to share this week I thought to myself – perfect! These glorious guides have only come out once in public, so this is quite delicious, and I love how they decided there were going to be 4 to choose from!

So my darling one, just settle. Breathe in the stillness and allow your heart to open and expand and be willing to receive. Then when you are ready, pick the card or cards that tug on your soul strings.

Did you remember to pick?

Shall we go look?

SISTERHOOD OF RECIPROCITY

Tend to your partnerships.

This could be a time to review or negotiate business, renew romance or friendship, or nurture the very partnership you have with your own soul.

Much of our world suffers from a lack of understanding what our ancestors knew so well: all life is dependent on the generosity of our planet. There is no thriving without her good graces for food, water, shelter and beauty, and we’d do well to remember it with reciprocity.

Is it time to share? Celebrate her bounty? Give back to her resources? To your relationships or communities?

Long ago we honoured the lack of resources in the winter season with hopeful light-giving ceremonies. We celebrated the harvest with offerings and gratitude. We marked each season, each birth, death and love affair by honouring our Earth Mother as benefactress.

Carry this practice forward, know that all parts of your life are interdependent with the elements, creatures and plants of the earth, the same way that your healthy psyche relies on all parts working together.

Balance your genius with your shadow. Reconcile love with fear. Strike a balance between logic and emotion.

All parts of your life that you are proud of must dance with those monstrous parts you fear in order to experience a bountiful, creative life.

Take stock of where you are entwined in a healthy partnership, and where you are not.

This is a time for tending the dance of reciprocity.

W.I.T.C.H (Women in Total Control of Herself)

Control.

No woman alive today needs a dictionary to know what control means within a toxic patriarchy.

She’s experienced it a thousand different ways before she’s hit puberty.

It’s alive in the curves of her psyche, in the expanse of her hips, in the marrow of her bones.

It is domination and restraint.

But in a balanced psyche and in a blanched culture, control can mean something else entirely.

A W.I.T.C.H experiences control through cooperation rather than competition.

She’s engaged with all the parts of her psyche in an attempt to coordinate rather than dominate.

You are being asked, right now, to embrace all the inhabitants of your inner realm, because each deserves respect and a place at the table. Even the unruly, the inconvenient, the ugly.

Making a space for all under the banner of wild inclusion and giving voice to the shame, malice and anger, as well as every other outlawed part of the psyche, is the way we create integrity, ensuring that no part of our inner realm is involved with factions, divisions, or rebellions.

When your intent is to create rather than compete, you don’t have to dominate. Your influence is enough.

This is power-with rather than power-over.

Invite whatever is bothering you today into the realm of inclusion and assert your authority.

THE TRAIL BLAZER

This is a pioneering moment.

In order to chart where you’re going and empower the path making, you must know your place.

Only when you know your deservedness and embody your inherent value can you move with the confidence and radiance required to create your own path.

It’s time to shift your allegiance from pleasing to pleasure, from subservient to subversive, though the very act of claiming your inner knowing as the highest authority.

You will then be willing to abandon everyone else’s expectation and approval before you will abandon yourself.

Stop fearing your path and start blazing it, loyal to the visions in your head and the longing of your heart. Trust your intuition to guide you to the next right thing for you, even when you can’t see the entire path or explain it to a mind of logic.

Stop looking for the footprints of those who have gone before you.

Don’t settle for how it’s been for others.

Blaze your own trail.

SIREN OF SURRENDER

This is a time to let go.

Although underappreciated, there is power in surrender.

A wise sage once advised, “What we resist persists.”

While you may not yet see a new way to go, the old way is closed. Stop banging your head and hands on the door that refuses to open. If it doesn’t open, it’s not your door.

This is a moment to acknowledge what isn’t working, and what alternatives are not yet clear, and surrender to that wide open field of unknowing.

Understand that there will be times when further action is wasted.

Exerting more effort is futile, as it’s only bringing frustration and discouragement.

Know that while society would encourage you to keep pushing, applauding you as you battle and bruise your way through this path, this is a patriarchal paradigm whose time has ended.

Instead, embrace the flow, trust when it leads you to a dead end that there is another way, and it will open when it’s ready.

The days of white-knuckle resilience are over.

Everything is happening for you, not to you, so let go of your original expectation and let yourself experience the generosity of flow.

Ahhh, my heart is filled with joy as I see the cards my guides picked. Wishing you an amazing holiday season. Please help yourself to the free gifts and pick an Opening the Doors on 2024. I am going to spend time being like a caterpillar in a cocoon and relax, rest, read and play. See you in January. Big hugs and big love. Thank you.

May you be blessed,

May you be happy,

May you be peaceful,

May you be healthy,

May you be safe,

May you awaken to the light of your true nature.

Spring Equinox, Aries New Moon and Gifts!

Jenny Heston · 4:44 pm ·

Happy Magnetic,Magickal, Marvellous, Musing, Merry, Musical, Magnificent, Manifesting Monday!!!!!!!!

With the energies feeling like they have sped up tenfold and all sorts of delightful opportunities for growth swirling around – this will be a delightfully brief post as it’s Equinox!

I had the joy and honour of leading a glorious in person celebration yesterday, with fire, ritual and amazing women! Then another glorious celebration with the incredible women of Creatrix Circle first thing this morning.

So now it is time to go play and celebrate in the woods.

However, I do have 2 glorious free gifts for you to enhance your celebration and help you with your intention. I will share them throughout the post.

So here we are my darlings.

This is the Spring Equinox here in the Northern Hemisphere.

The time of Beginnings, Fresh Energy, Setting Intentions and planting them with love and care.

With the Spring Equinox your spirit is waking up with new ideas & new dreams for your life.

What are you going to plant?

In the glorious Southern Hemisphere Mabon is being celebrated, the Fall Equinox, a time to start to harvest what you have sown and to dance within the weaves of gratitude.

What are you grateful for?

Equinox is a good time to consider balance in our lives, not only of happiness and sadness, but also of the areas in which we are active and passive, successful and falling short, giving and taking.

What are you receiving (and do you want to keep it)?

And what are you giving (and do you need to)?

Right after this glorious Equinox time where we consider balance the delightful New Moon in Aries comes in.

Aries starts the new astrological year, and is fiery. Fiery with supporting you in creating something new (see how it ties into the Spring Equinox)?

She brings with her an inspirational time to create, ignite your inner fire and to step into what your soul desires. She also supports checking in with your inner truth and making sure you are coming from the place that is truly YOU.

Trust that your intentions and desires will be truly supported and nurtured.

Your task is to set your intentions, receive what is offered and most certainly to have good boundaries against any lower vibration thoughts, people or situations that attempt to undermine this potential.

Yes?

Perfect, then let’s crack on with the reading. If these guides are new to you, please let me introduce you to Blessed Be.

“May these cards and guides offer you ways to enter into deeper appreciation of your life and its manifold blessings. May you have hope, understanding and kindness. And most of all, may you know deep within your soul, that thou art blessed.”

Frigging perfect!

So take a moment to become present. Right here, right now, right in this minute.

As you breathe, allow your mind’s eye to show you the balance. The balance between what you are giving and receiving. Then when you are ready pick the card that calls to you.

If you want to go deep. One of my gifts to you is a glorious guided Spring Equinox meditation/visualisation. This visualisation will really help you tap into your heart and the potent energy that wants to support you.

Did you remember to pick?

Then let’s go have a good gander shall we?

A BLESSING FROM YOUR ANCESTORS

A blessing to bring you the gifts and guardianship of your ancestral family.

Within your bloodline, and within your spiritual line, there are thousands of relatives who care for you, and whose cells now sing within your body. You are their future dream, you carry forward the hopes of your distance and most ancient family.

They have seen so much – yes, in other times and faraway places, but they come to you now and bless you with all the wisdom of their experiences, making you the sum total of a thousand thousand wise ones.

Call upon the wisdom of the blood, the old ones who stand behind you, supporting and holding you, clearly giving to you the knowledge that experience taught them.

Let only the ancestors who can free you, aid you, support you, and celebrate the best of themselves within you come forward, and may the ailments and regrets of those who have gone before teach you what not to do in this time.

If the family be thin on the ground, or if there is estrangement at present, let the arms of the old ones hold you, form a circle about you, and infuse you with everything you may need at this moment.

You are loved across the distance of time.

May you be blessed and may you have with you the essence of the Elder, the Teacher, the one who shows, the one who shares with the younger ones, the one who keeps the skills alive inside you, and all about you.

BLESSED BE

A BLESSING ON A FRIENDSHIP

A blessing for a friendship where your best self is given permission to emerge and grow, and where mutual love is shared in good times and in bad.

May your friendship be blessed with laughter, but never at the expense of the dignity of one of you.

May your friendship be a delight to you both, a time of warmth and sharing, give and take, small offerings of what you have sent back and forth between you. May you be kind to each other, and honest too.

May you have the trust that true friendship needs to speak of things for the soul, and may there be loyalty, one to the other, without chains or obedience, but freely given.

May there be affinities of the spirit, differences to exalt in, and if harsh thoughts or words enter in and blight the path or your companionship, may you pick them up as a stone in the road, and move them out of your way.

Let there be mutual care, and may your friendship endure amidst the inconsistencies of the world. Let your friendship have its seasons, but let it turn, on and on, ever – changing, ever-returning, to the place where you find love for each other, and greater love of self for knowing one another.

BLESSED BE.

A BLESSING OF FORGIVENESS

A blessing to be able to be free of the burden of grudges and vengeance, a prayer to help you open up to the blessing that is forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a tricky beast – and yes, for all it is a gentle word, it is a great beast, forgiveness. For when we seek to forgive, we must wrestle with the wrongdoing that lies at the heart of our resistance to let go of the pain we are holding on to. When we need to forgive, it is often that we are too raw, too far away from justice to be able to even touch the side of the balm of forgiveness.

Yet staying angry for long periods of time can develop into a compacted bitterness, and bitterness is a gall to all who wish to live freely.

But what can we do when the wrong is still very much alive,and to forgive another seems to be diminishing their harm, and their potential to harm others.

Justice and forgiveness must work hand in hand, and in this blessing they will now begin to entwine, so that while you begin to forgive first yourself, for whatever wrong was done to you, there is often an element of self-blame.

First, know that whatever wrong was done to you, it is not your fault. And begin the work of forgiving yourself.

May the blessing of this self-forgiveness be bestowed upon you now, dear friend. Know you will gently untangle the doubt and recriminations that have settled like thorns about your heart, and invaded your mind’s peace. And as begin to forgive yourself, you will also begin to find forgiveness for the injustices you have endured

Let the anger burn down into coals from which you, phoenix-like, can arise.

And know you have forgiven – forgiven the other for their dark gift. Forgiven life. And most of all, delivered the pure medicine of forgiveness to yourself.

BLESSED BE

Wowzer, those were glorious guides. As quite frankly, if you aren’t willing to work with forgiveness you can’t create something different, something more supportive. So my delicious lovely, another free gift is a beautiful ritual to plant your Seeds of Intention. Equinox blessings and see you in 2 weeks.

Mothers Day, Surrealism, Are you Here and Now?

Jenny Heston · 1:01 am ·

Happy Magnetic, Miraculous, Marvelous, Magickal, Mysterious, Manifesting May Monday! How are you delicious one? Happy, happy Mothers Day whether you have children or not, is irrelevant. We all nurture little people in our lives in some shape or form. Oh yes and thank you to all who gave me advice on rats in the garden, there is no poison down – a rat zapper and I have a slingshot!

Okay, I have to say, even with everything the way it is in the world, I had an awesome Mother’s Day, in fact better than some of the prior ones! (Who would have thought!) 3 of my boys and two of their girlfriends came over in the morning and we went for a social distance dog walk along the beach and Mother Nature had gifted us with a glorious hot, hot, day! We skipped stones, told bad jokes, laughed and shared memories of trying to cook seaweed and how horrid and rubbery it had tasted (which it had).

Each of us had prepared some food for a picnic. I had made finger sarnies and packed them in individual tupperwares for everyone so we didn’t share cutlery. Plus I also made carrot cake cupcakes with lemon cream cheese icing (nom), all individually done and bunches of grapes all individually done. The others brought veggie sticks, home made pesto, cookies, juice boxes and chips – each in individual containers. We found a glorious shady spot in a park, put our blankies down and shared food together and then had an amazing game of HORSE (originally called Donkey) – now if you have never played it it is such great fun. All you need is a soccer ball, a sense of humour and the willingness to lose! Bsically if you miss the ball when it’s whipped at you, and forget to clap prior to catching it you get a letter and the minute the word Horse is spelt, you are out!

I quickly figured out why the boys changed the name of it from Donkey to Horse as I was fabulous at not winning every time and so they would say: what letters do you have Mum? I’m HO (say that outloud and keep in mind young male humour), what letters do you have now Mum? I’m HOR. (Need I say more?) The two girlfriends bailed after 5 minutes as they aren’t used to the level we play at, nor the speed – ah well. But it was glorious fun and the doggos ran around trying to get the ball, which made me laugh.

Afterwards as we were hanging out on our blankies blowing bubbles for the dogs, I looked around the park and I saw family groups hanging out, eating together, chatting and the sun was shining and it was positively surreal. The scent of the lilacs and wysteria in bloom were wafting on the breeze and peacocks were walking by. I thought, if an alien had come down from space they would probably think we were just “well” behaved Canadians. It was as if everyone there was on holiday, just hanging out, playing, laughing and really making the most of the day. Very surreal. We were complying with all the safety and health measures in place and actually having a more real, deeper, fun connection than we did this time last year! The only phone that came out during the four hours was mine to take a photo.

Later on someone phoned me, distraught, angry and frustrated. As I listened it was apparent she was stuck in the past – lost in nostalgia (which I understand as I have been reflecting on things as well) and she was trying to second guess the future. As I listened I realised that she was having a supremely tough time being in the Here and Now. This day, and if a day is too big to imagine, this moment, this one minute. As we were having this conversation I reflected on the fact that one of the secrets to happiness is letting every situation be what is, instead of what we think it should be.

And sometimes we can do that, and other times we rail and rebel against it with rage!

Then it brought to mind a wonderful interview that I heard with Dr. Aisha Ahmad who has lived in many conflict zones, and she shares some words of wisdom. “The initial feeling of shock and loss during a crisis can feel overwhelming, Ahmad said, and the frenzy of productivity we saw in the early days of the pandemic was likely a response to a feeling of loss. She said it is necessary to slow down and give yourself time to examine and accept your current reality.”

“It is easy to focus on the limitations and deprivations of our current pandemic lives, what Ahmad referred to as ‘walls.’ But she said there is light between the walls and we can train ourselves to find it.

Once a day, embracing the world as it is and asking it to show you something new that it can offer you, that can keep you healthy and well in this day,” she advised. “That small technique, just asking every day — what can you do differently and how can you be different that might be enriching and satisfying — will keep you happy in a way that’s more sustainable.”

I love the idea of embracing the world as it is and asking it show you somethin gnew that it can offer you. There are so many gifts and opportunities in this situation.

So with all of that chuntering on, let’s crack on with the reading. When I went to the guides and cards and asked who wanted to show and shine – the deck that came out loud and proud this week is The Oracle of the Divine Circus. The reason I laughed is these glorious guides are playful, but deep. They think outside the box and invite you to do the same.

If you have never met these glorious guides, please let me introduce you. “What is life if not a Divine Circus? Life might seem ordinary at times, yet when we look more closely, it is bursting with creative diversity, constantly evolving, pulling rugs out from underneath our feet (usually just at the moment we think we have everything under control) and opening doors we couldn’t even see were right there before us a moment earlier. Life is magical, thrilling, sometimes strange and even scary. It can inspire you and touch your soul, inviting you to discover the unique magic within you, to dare to live it, to express it, to play with possibilities and embrace what sets you apart from the crowd. “

Ahhhhh, doesn’t that just sound delightfully delicious? The crystals that literally threw themselves out of the bowl to come play are:- Ametrine – is a powerful combination of Amethyst and Citrine, connecting physical and spiritual realms. Ametrine is a very soothing stone. Grossular Garnet – enhances relaxation and going with the flow, and inspires service and cooperation.Last but not least, Citrine – highly protective and enhances optimism. These are then all topped with a Selenite wand for amplification.

Glorious Wysteria and Lilac insisted on coming to the party, and their scent is divine!

So delicious one. I invite you to take a moment to come to your centre. Just breathe. And when you are ready I invite you to bring in the question about what do you need to be nourished in the here and now? Breath that in and when you are ready pick the card or cards that whisper.

Did you remember to pick?

Let’s go look!

THE JUGGLER

Many projects in the air; aspirations and inspirations everywhere. Action to take, commitments to make and yet another will soon join the fray! Say yes, do not delay. It will all work out in the perfect way.

You are capable of many things and you are too important an asset to the plan of love on this planet to be left idle. So life, the universe and your own creative urges will ask a lot of you. There will be many inspirations, ideas and dreams that you will yearn to bring to life in the world. You might wonder if it’s all a bit too much for any one person to handle. You might feel you are juggling so much already that if even one more demand or idea comes through, you’ll drop the balls already in the air, and the whole damn thing will come undone!

The Juggler is the master multi-tasker. He brings the skills, wisdom and tricks you need to not only successfully bring to life all your current dreams and ideals, but to be open to even more flowing through you. If you feel overwhelmed, you are letting yourself get ahead of yourself, allowing your mind to move too far into the future. Bring it back to now, to just what can be done now. Let tomorrow take care of itself. Prioritise, what do you need to do most today, and what can be left until later? Remember to ask for help and remember that your individual success is actually part of the greater group success. The universe wants you to succeed. It will keep an eye on the pots on the boil whilst you stir the one that is bubbling over now. You are going to manage all that is going on in your life if you remember to stay present and relax, deal with what is immediately happening and not worry about any other distractions. You’ll not only handle all that’s currently going on, but when another opportunity heads your way, you’ll add it to the mix with grace!

GYPSY COLOMBINE

The free spirit in you is rewilding itself, shedding social conditioning and past patterns of behaviour. It is shaking off socialisation and emerging anew like a snake shedding a skin. The wild one within isn’t a save. It is raw, yes, but also wise, authentic, beautiful and with a deep instinctive knowing as to what you must be. Can a bird ever be truly happy whilst trying to be a fish? True freedom is to be truthfully yourself.

Politeness and people-pleasing, not out of respect but out of fear you will otherwise be rejected, is a form of social conditioning that dulls the wild one within. If you reject that conditioning in favour of re-wilding, of getting in touch with your true instincts and nature, you will exchange lukewarm tolerance from others for their passionate admiration and love. And for those that cannot love you, that are afraid of how much life is in you, then let them be. They do not belong in your world, nor you in theirs. The jungle of life is a vibrant, colourful and exciting place, but not everyone is ready to live there as yet. That is jUst the way of things sometimes.

It’s time to let yourself off the hook, to forgive and forget, to allow what’s been to have been and to start again. No regrets. No fear. No doubt. It’s time to heed the call of the wild and ask yourself, “What would set my spirit free?”

SECRET OF SHINOBI

Shhhhhh! Can you keep a secret? It’s time to play your cards close to your chest. Soon enough, you’ll be ready to stand upon the mountain top for all to see and hear. For now, let things unfold in the guarded privacy of your inner world. When the time is right to be seen in the light, you’ll know what is true and what to do. Until then, be patient, be private, be committed and wait for the right time to shine.

Sometimes being less visible, less transparent, less “seen” for a time is helpful. It doesn’t mean being dishonest or deceptive, but it does mean keeping your intentions and your truths to yourself until you see the best way to attain your goals. In fact, the best way to attain your goals might be more of the “iron fist in velvet glove” approach. You might find that gentle persuasion works far better than direct confrontation, which can unintentionally inflame a situation and trigger defensive reactions in others instead of finding a way to bring resolution.

When it is time to show your hand, to reveal your intentions and speak more openly and publicly about what has been gestating, you’ll know it; but for now, let things come together away from prying eyes. Just for now, it’s time to keep a secret.

Oh my gosh, wow. Asking for help, shedding social conditions, and reflecting and being close to yourself for now. Lol. You seriously can’t make this shit up! Oh yes, as we have been migrating and changing my site the mentor information hasn’t gone out yet, however, it will to all of those who asked and followed up. Sending you big hugs and love for this week. Take time to breathe and be in the here and now and ask this day to show you something new that it can offer you, that can keep you healthy and well in this day. There will be no reading next week as it is a long weekend, so I want to take time to play, create and do daft shit! Big hugs and squeezes!

Ode to My Gorgeous Gal – R.I.P Uma

Jenny Heston · 4:41 pm ·

Uma, my gorgeous gal, the one that has walked so many different paths with me and has always been there, the dog of my heart. I got her as a rescue dog and drove to Trail to bring her and the whole litter home to foster them. 13 years ago I had lost my golden lab Maia to mouth cancer and my black lab Rudolph was bereft, he had never been alone, he had always had Maia. Thus, I thought it was a great plan to foster some puppies to see if that helped him. He hated them, actually he hated all of them except Uma. So the others found their forever homes somewhere else and Uma came to our forever home.

She was such a brilliant dog, sharp, bright and so incredibly loving without being a slobbery git. She came camping, travelling, exploring and fairly much anywhere I could take her. In the woods she was always the one that stayed close whilst the male dogs cavorted amongst the trees. She was the one that the minute she heard me go to bed, I could hear her on the stairs flumping down after me to hop up on the bed and curl up on the bottom left hand corner. When I went to Victoria to help Dee (my mother), she kept me sane – when Dee would kick off Uma and I would walk and I would chant. One day between the myriad of walks I realised we had done 25 km. She has flown with me, hiked with me and when I haven’t been feeling well she was always there on the corner of the bed looking at me and checking in.

In the mornings I would get up and go to the kitchen and the minute she heard the toaster pop down and the frying pan go on, voila up she would get to hang out and see if there were any scraps going.

So it’s been a heck of a week. A week ago today was Chinese New Year, where we entered the Year of the Male Earth Dog. We had a glorious celebration and Uma and the other two bounded around excited to see all the people and snag some tidbits of beef, lemon chicken or salmon. Saturday as it started to snow and snow and snow some more we went for a glorious walk and as usual she explored but always came back to check in with me and then dash off to cavort with the other dogs.

On Monday even though it was chilly, the sky was blue and the sun bright and brilliant – quite a gorgeous day so I rejigged my schedule so I could take the doggos out for a glorious romp with my friend Christine and her dog. There was so much snowy expanse to run, play and frolic – as well as trees to dash behind and hide whilst waiting for another dog to run by, but she didn’t play. The others all did, but she didn’t cavort, she stayed right to my heel and seemed to be slower and the walk not so enjoyable for her. By Monday night I knew she wasn’t feeling well.

Tuesday, she was worse, stairs were becoming a problem and she wouldn’t eat (which was highly unusual for her). Wednesday it was even more prevalent and she would look at me with eyes that saw but didn’t really, and large strings of drool hanging from her mouth. I also noticed the two other male dogs were exceptionally gentle around her and they would cry, which they never do. In my head she was going to be fine, it was all good and it would be something simple. So off to the vet we went. First diagnosis was Pneumonia. Sweet! We can deal with that right? Some antibiotics, rest, lots of water and she will be right as rain and ready for another glorious adventure.

The vet ran blood tests and did a chest x-ray and you know there is something more when the Vet goes out to get a chair so she can sit next to you. Well the blood tests didn’t come out well, she had no white blood cells and a massive secondary infection.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. There were two things, either she had a tick borne virus or it was bone marrow cancer. The first one could be dealt with by antibiotics, the other one – nadda. Another test was run to see if it was tick borne, and whilst that was happening I walked in the wind and the bleak grey cold along the dog beach looking at all the other dogs and allowing tears to freeze on my cheeks. Come on Jen, think positive, it’s all going to be good. Back to the Vets and nope, not a tick borne virus – bone marrow cancer. However, give her antibiotics will deal with the secondary infection and she can rally and you have another year. FUCK!

I took my gorgeous girl home, snuggled her, cried and told her how much she was loved. My heart felt so incredibly sad and heavy. The next day I cleared my schedule and hung out with her, I poached chicken, baked salmon – cooked beef liver to try to entice her to eat. Nadda. My gorgeous girl normally would follow me around the house when I was home and she tried valiantly – but she couldn’t. She fell down the stairs, she would stand and wobble and look at me and I kept whispering to her “You are so loved, you are the bestest dog ever and if you need to leave I will miss you like a piece of my being has been taken, if you can rally – I would love that to pieces.”

That night I wrapped her in a gorgeous clean blankie, just for her and took her to bed. As I watched her I wondered if she would be there in the morning, and guess what? She was!

I was so excited!!! She’s going to be okay! More antibiotics down her throat (which she hated) and I had to go meet with clients and do some work, so my son stayed with her as I didn’t want her to be alone at all. When I got home in the early afternoon I bounded up the stairs looking for her, she was lying next to the water dish in the kitchen and it took all her energy to lift up her head and look at me. My legs melted and I sat on the floor next to her and sobbed. Uma, Puma – you need to go don’t you? Fuck! I have to be the adult and make that choice for you. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

2pm the Vet was phoned. 3:30 found my son and I walking into the vets with her wrapped up in her special blankie. Multiple visits from various technicians trying to amp up the price – for just a little more you can do this…… Seriously people, you have had over $1,000 in 2 days, can you please back away? We stroked her, told her gorgeous stories as the first sleepy injection went in. I took her collar off and told her she was free to leave, that it was okay – she had been such an amazing protector and friend, but it was okay to rest and release. The second injection went in and at 3:59 she passed. I stroked her and then she coughed and expelled air. But Uma was gone, it was just the body expelling air, which she did 3 times. Have to say scared the heck out of me at first.

As the ground is frozen solid here there is no where to bury her, so I had to leave her behind to be cremated. But as I watched her head loll I knew she wasn’t here anymore. I got home and sat. Just kind of numb and bleak and then randomly there was a moth. Ummm, excuse me, it’s a bazillion degrees cold outside, how the heck did you get here. It kept bopping around my head and part of me wanted to crush it between my palms. But hang on, moths and butterflies are all about transformation. Hmmmm, so I let her dance around me for a while and then after an hour or so, she just seemed to vanish. Was that Uma coming to say goodbye and that she was safe? I don’t know, but it did make me feel good.

Do I feel her here? You bet. Was last night tough to not see her on the left corner of the bed – hell yes. This morning when I went outside with my tea and the toaster had been popped down I could hear scratching at the door, so I opened it and a ghost came out. Five days, I wasn’t ready for this to be honest.

Gifts

With the Spring Equinox your spirit is waking up with new ideas & new dreams for your life.

Trust that your intentions and desires will be truly supported and nurtured.

jennyheston

Release Anxiety And Claim Your Power