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Loss

We are near the end of February and what a week it has been! Weekly Reading February 26th.

Jenny Heston · 2:00 pm ·

Happy glorious Monday delicious one.  How has your week been?  Do you realise that in a week we will be in March (thank goodness, as that means Spring is going to be here soon).  I will be honest, this was a really tough reading to do.  It’s been a heck of a week here, my gorgeous gal and most favourite dog – Uma went to sleep on Friday.  So the week has been a rollercoaster of emotions everything from tears, hope, deep sadness and anger – big anger.  I noticed on Monday she wasn’t her usual self and took her to the Vet’s on Wednesday to find out she had bone marrow cancer and then on Friday she looked at me and literally asked to go.  So incredibly hard.  Sometimes I hate being a grownup!

On Saturday I had to attend a meeting at the Legion and it took everything for me to keep it together, to stay prickly enough that people wouldn’t come near me and ask me dumb questions (as I felt very inclined to advise them of their stupidity – I know, not kind, but I wasn’t feeling kind).  I was feeling deeply sad and wounded.  I did really well and just stayed quiet, took the minutes and was counting the time until I could bolt and then someone walked up with a service dog.  I literally bit the inside of my cheek and dug my nails into my palms whilst looking at anything other than that dog until the meeting was done and then – well all bets were off.  I bolted out the door and the tears came hot and fast.  When I got home I realised that I needed to write, to write to my gorgeous gal, to write to the pain and the loss and this whirlwind week, so I did.  I wrote an Ode to my gorgeous gal.  Interesting to see that the weather has been reflecting my mood, it’s grey out there with continual snow and blowing winds – bleak.  But I know Spring will come, the snow will stop, the sun will shine and these waves of overwhelming emotion will gradually get further and further apart.  

I thought the Rumi deck, or the Wild Kuan Yin would be the ones that wanted to come play, however, they weren’t.  It is The Divine Circus which did make me laugh a bit “May your rebel heart always be bold.  May your spirit always be free.”  The crystals that wanted to come play are:-  Amethyst, Aragonite, Smoky Quartz.

So with all that being said, I invite you to gently close your eyes down and take a glorious deep breath in, nice and slow through your nose and then a lovely sigh like exhale through your mouth.  Keep breathing in this way and see at your heart centre a glorious ball of warm light.  Envision this ball of light moving down your body and going out the soles of your feet, down, down, down into the gorgeous molten core of the earth.  Feel it click into the gorgeous grounding earth energy and then move itself back up and through your lovely body and out the top of your head.  As it moves up, up, up it expands completely around you so that you are standing in the middle of this lovely warm light and feel, as it expands out into the Universe, feel it click into the universal energy – the realm of infinite possibilities.  Now that you are connected to earth and Divine, your ball of light moves slowly back to your heart space and gently sits there, nurturing, guiding, healing and loving.  With this energy surrounding you, in you and through you, gently open your eyes and trust yourself as you pick the card or cards that call to you.

Ready to go see?

SWEETHEART

You’ve know violence in your life; maybe on the outside, maybe on the inside with a mind that has tortured you with fear, shame, darkness and doubt. Enough of that now.  It is time for a gentler way – less pain, more gain.  No more torture.  It’s your time for sweets and treats.  

There is so much violence in the world, and in our own minds, that we can assume this is just the way of the world, that we have to accept it, deal with it, and thereby forget we have the right to question it and even change it, if we so choose.  Even the most ambitious desires for healing the world start with us as individuals.  We cannot bring more peace to the world if there is violence in our hearts.  Regrets, shaming judgements, fear of not being good enough, uncertainty and constant pushing to become more, to do more, to have more, can become the energetic equivalent of beating ourselves up every day.  This creates invisible bruises that never have time to heal because we don’t give ourselves the sweetness, kindness and compassion we need to break free from the abusive cycle.  

This cycle you are coming to is sweeter, one that is more loving, one that promises new life.  But you have to be willing to dispense with the violence, one step at a time.  You deserve to give yourself a gentler life journey.  Would you accept this for yourself?  If there are abusive or toxic relationships in your life, then you’ll need to do some relationship overhauling.  No matter how much the people involved may proclaim their love, if underneath it is unhealthy, if a relationship is holding you back rather than helping to lift you up, then reconsider its place in your life.  

You can’t taste the sweetness that life wants to bring to you if you are crammed full of stuff you don’t need or want anymore.  Create some space. Ready yourself for receiving life’s nectar and believe in the power of your new beginning.  You are a true sweetheart of the universe.  Let yourself be treated accordingly.

CONFETTI

You will soon have cause for celebration.  Whether a big win or a token gain affirming that the best is yet to come, sweet success is headed your way.  Prepare to celebrate!  It’s time to find the celebratory spirit within.  Maybe you already feel it, or maybe it’s the last thing in the world you can imagine feeling right now, but whether it’s on your radar or not, a cause for celebration is imminent.

It’s time to spend your energy in playfulness.  If you want more success, happiness and celebration in your life, you can enhance that right now by being happy for the success of others around you.  Do you know that success is like a wave?  When you genuinely congratulate another and feel happy for their happiness, your own energy field gets a jolt of that same energy.  You attract it into your own life.  You deserve success for all you are and all you’ve accomplished just as much as anyone else.

So be happy for another – even if a part of you wonders if there is enough to go around, if maybe they have taken your piece of the pie, or if you wonder if their success is really served.  Let such thoughts be without adding to their power for thinking such a way.  Just take charge and choose how you want to respond.  Be happy for them and be happy for you as the universe is giving  you notice of a party – and you are most definitely meant to attend – and it’s heading your way.

DEATH SHALL NOT TAKE HIM

You are going to witness the impossible made possible.  Whatever you think is lost, is not.  Whatever you think cannot be, shall be.  The universe is going to intervene and what seems to be over, shall in a new way, live again.

Sometimes, just when you think it’s all over, the eleventh hour comes.  You can practically hear the opening chords of your swan song, and when you have finally given up, suddenly, somehow, right before your eyes, everything changes – just like that.  You were free-falling and then, suddenly, you are soaring.  Fate steps in, destinies are altered and life demonstrates its creative, restorative power, even if all seemed lost.

No matter how defeated you feel, no matter how many dead ends you’ve encountered, how many setbacks, how many failures, no matter how impossible success may seem, the universe has your back and is going to right things in your favour.  You will succeed.  So if you really must (sigh) doubt for one more moment – go ahead, then replace doubt with trust and participate in the divine defiance of life refusing to be stepped on or crushed.  Why not just frigging relax and bear witness to the universe’s impressive display of life-giving power with reverence and delight?  Gorgeous one – get out of your own way!

Wishing you a glorious week where you treasure every moment, laugh as often as possible, tell the people and animals in your life how much you love them and remember that everything is transitory – so celebrate everything!  My lovely sister sent me a blessing this weekend that is absolutely beautiful and an amazing reminder that life is good, life is love and there is always someone there to hold us, help us dust off our dirty knees and to remind us that this too will pass.  The blessing is called Beannacht by John O’Donohue and starts off with – 

On the day when
The weight deadens
On your shoulders
And you stumble,
May the clay dance
To balance you. 

Ode to My Gorgeous Gal – R.I.P Uma

Jenny Heston · 4:41 pm ·

Uma, my gorgeous gal, the one that has walked so many different paths with me and has always been there, the dog of my heart.  I got her as a rescue dog and drove to Trail to bring her and the whole litter home to foster them. 13 years ago I had lost my golden lab Maia to mouth cancer and my black lab Rudolph was bereft, he had never been alone, he had always had Maia.  Thus, I thought it was a great plan to foster some puppies to see if that helped him.  He hated them, actually he hated all of them except Uma.  So the others found their forever homes somewhere else and Uma came to our forever home.  

She was such a brilliant dog, sharp, bright and so incredibly loving without being a slobbery git.  She came camping, travelling, exploring and fairly much anywhere I could take her.  In the woods she was always the one that stayed close whilst the male dogs cavorted amongst the trees.  She was the one that the minute she heard me go to bed, I could hear her on the stairs flumping down after me to hop up on the bed and curl up on the bottom left hand corner.  When I went to Victoria to help Dee (my mother), she kept me sane – when Dee would kick off Uma and I would walk and I would chant.  One day between the myriad of walks I realised we had done 25 km.  She has flown with me, hiked with me and when I haven’t been feeling well she was always there on the corner of the bed looking at me and checking in.  

In the mornings I would get up and go to the kitchen and the minute she heard the toaster pop down and the frying pan go on, voila up she would get to hang out and see if there were any scraps going.  

So it’s been a heck of a week.  A week ago today was Chinese New Year, where we entered the Year of the Male Earth Dog.  We had a glorious celebration and Uma and the other two bounded around excited to see all the people and snag some tidbits of beef, lemon chicken or salmon.  Saturday as it started to snow and snow and snow some more we went for a glorious walk and as usual she explored but always came back to check in with me and then dash off to cavort with the other dogs.

On Monday even though it was chilly, the sky was blue and the sun bright and brilliant – quite a gorgeous day so I rejigged my schedule so I could take the doggos out for a glorious romp with my friend Christine and her dog.  There was so much snowy expanse to run, play and frolic – as well as trees to dash behind and hide whilst waiting for another dog to run by, but she didn’t play.  The others all did, but she didn’t cavort, she stayed right to my heel and seemed to be slower and the walk not so enjoyable for her.  By Monday night I knew she wasn’t feeling well.

Tuesday, she was worse, stairs were becoming a problem and she wouldn’t eat (which was highly unusual for her).  Wednesday it was even more prevalent and she would look at me with eyes that saw but didn’t really, and large strings of drool hanging from her mouth.  I also noticed the two other male dogs were exceptionally gentle around her and they would cry, which they never do.  In my head she was going to be fine, it was all good and it would be something simple.  So off to the vet we went.  First diagnosis was Pneumonia.  Sweet!  We can deal with that right?  Some antibiotics, rest, lots of water and she will be right as rain and ready for another glorious adventure.  

The vet ran blood tests and did a chest x-ray and you know there is something more when the Vet goes out to get a chair so she can sit next to you. Well the blood tests didn’t come out well, she had no white blood cells and a massive secondary infection.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.  There were two things, either she had a tick borne virus or it was bone marrow cancer.  The first one could be dealt with by antibiotics, the other one – nadda.  Another test was run to see if it was tick borne, and whilst that was happening I walked in the wind and the bleak grey cold along the dog beach looking at all the other dogs and allowing tears to freeze on my cheeks.  Come on Jen, think positive, it’s all going to be good.  Back to the Vets and nope, not a tick borne virus – bone marrow cancer.  However, give her antibiotics will deal with the secondary infection and she can rally and you have another year.  FUCK!  

I took my gorgeous girl home, snuggled her, cried and told her how much she was loved.  My heart felt so incredibly sad and heavy.  The next day I cleared my schedule and hung out with her, I poached chicken, baked salmon – cooked beef liver to try to entice her to eat.  Nadda.  My gorgeous girl normally would follow me around the house when I was home and she tried valiantly – but she couldn’t.  She fell down the stairs, she would stand and wobble and look at me and I kept whispering to her “You are so loved, you are the bestest dog ever and if you need to leave I will miss you like a piece of my being has been taken, if you can rally – I would love that to pieces.”  

That night I wrapped her in a gorgeous clean blankie, just for her and took her to bed.  As I watched her I wondered if she would be there in the morning, and guess what?  She was!

I was so excited!!!  She’s going to be okay!  More antibiotics down her throat (which she hated) and I had to go meet with clients and do some work, so my son stayed with her as I didn’t want her to be alone at all.  When I got home in the early afternoon I bounded up the stairs looking for her, she was lying next to the water dish in the kitchen and it took all her energy to lift up her head and look at me.  My legs melted and I sat on the floor next to her and sobbed.  Uma, Puma – you need to go don’t you?  Fuck!  I have to be the adult and make that choice for you.  Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

2pm the Vet was phoned.  3:30 found my son and I walking into the vets with her wrapped up in her special blankie.  Multiple visits from various technicians trying to amp up the price – for just a little more you can do this……  Seriously people, you have had over $1,000 in 2 days, can you please back away?  We stroked her, told her gorgeous stories as the first sleepy injection went in.  I took her collar off and told her she was free to leave, that it was okay – she had been such an amazing protector and friend, but it was okay to rest and release.  The second injection went in and at 3:59 she passed. I stroked her and then she coughed and expelled air.  But Uma was gone, it was just the body expelling air, which she did 3 times.  Have to say scared the heck out of me at first.

As the ground is frozen solid here there is no where to bury her, so I had to leave her behind to be cremated.  But as I watched her head loll I knew she wasn’t here anymore. I got home and sat.  Just kind of numb and bleak and then randomly there was a moth.  Ummm, excuse me, it’s a bazillion degrees cold outside, how the heck did you get here.  It kept bopping around my head and part of me wanted to crush it between my palms.  But hang on, moths and butterflies are all about transformation.  Hmmmm, so I let her dance around me for a while and then after an hour or so, she just seemed to vanish.  Was that Uma coming to say goodbye and that she was safe?  I don’t know, but it did make me feel good.  

Do I feel her here?  You bet.  Was last night tough to not see her on the left corner of the bed – hell yes.  This morning when I went outside with my tea and the toaster had been popped down I could hear scratching at the door, so I opened it and a ghost came out.  Five days, I wasn’t ready for this to be honest.

 

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