Jenny Heston

What do Togas, Green Beer and Wishes have in Common?

Happy Magnificent, Marvelous, Manifesting Monday! So what do Togas, Green Beer, and Wishes have in common? Nothing, except they all happen this week!

Ahhh, beware the Ides of March! We have all heard that saying, but what the heck does it mean? Originally it was notable for Romans as the day of settling debts. In 44 BC it became notorious as the day Julius Caesar was assassinated. Then, if you have ever read any Shakespeare, in his play Julius Caesar (written in 1599), Caesar was warned by a soothsayer not to go out, but he did and Caesar’s good friend Brutus was there when he was killed. Hence the phrase “Et tu Brute”? Oh yes, Ides of March is March 15th.

Shortly after this we have the celebration of Saint Patrick’s Day on the 17th, where all of a sudden everyone is Irish, or half Irish! Quite fascinating to watch. Green is donned, T-shirts bearing the logo “Kiss me I’m Irish” are worn and green beer or Guinness is served in most pubs. (I personally love St. Paddy’s day as I am half Irish and I get to hear bagpipes, have a fetish for bagpipe music!) Also, on this same day it is a gorgeous New Moon in Pisces, that delightfully watery, flowy energy and a superb time to make New Moon wishes. For me personally I am very attracted to water, whether it be a burbling brook, a creek, a lake or the amazing energy of the ocean. Throw in sunshine and you can hear me holler a “Hell Yes!”

We have had gorgeous blue skies and sunshine for three days in a row!!! (Now I know some of you may be thinking – meh, what’s the big deal?) Well after months and months of grey sky, snow, ice and a cocoon like feeling it is so amazing to have the temperature warm up, the snow start to melt and the sun beat down with glorious radiance! I noticed as I bustled around town on the weekend, people were holding their heads higher, their shoulders were more relaxed and there were certainly more smiles happening! So cool to watch how, even if we don’t pay attention to it, our bodies respond to the energies of the season and the weather.

On Saturday morning I treated myself and did 3 hours of Kundalini Yoga with the most amazing Sat Kaur – where we explored cutting the ties to the “dross” so that we could focus our energy on what makes us feel happy. Thus, after a delicious kriya I thought – what makes me feel really happy that’s easy to do right now?

Sun, water, nature, exploring, connection etc. Wanting to lock that “sense” into my body I grabbed my wonderful friend Christine, our dogs and we went out to one of the Provincial Parks nearby. Here we live on a lake, it’s about 150 miles long and quite vast and with it being the tail end of winter the water level was low, so there was beach galore to walk along that went out to a spit in the middle of the lake. The wind was a tad chilly, but it pushed the water up in gentle waves that created that delicious “lapping” sound I sooooo love. The sky was that incredible robin egg blue and the large mountains at the end of the lake, which are still covered in snow, created an impressive contrast of white against the blue and the sun felt comfortingly warm on my back.

Ahhhhhhh, was how my body responded. Such a glorious reminder of grounding, being present and really appreciating the moment and not fretting about what else needs to get done. Such a divine way to spend a morning. I literally came home feeling nurtured and buzzing with energy! Which then poses the question – what is easy for you to do that makes you feel happy? What is something you can do regularly, inexpensively that really makes your shoulders drop and your heart sing?

As I sat down to do this reading, with the energy of the sun, water and New Moon buzzing through me, it was delightful to see “The Lightworker Oracle” deck come out to play. She has been rather shy and reticent in this arena, so it was very cool to see she was so bold! Her dedication is very simple but strong – “May you always turn to the light.” The crystals that chose themselves for this reading are:- Lepidolite, Moonstone and Brecciated Jasper.

Ready? Just breathe, just take a lovely breathe out and then breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Focus on what makes you feel happy. It could be a flower, an experience, a vision. Just focus on the feeling of how that makes you feel. Breathe that in. If you want some help with just getting relaxed and comfy there is a fun guided visualisation that involves water.

Then when you are ready, pick the card/cards that call to you. Remember there is no right way or wrong way, it just is. Trust yourself.

Did you pick?

Ready to go have a look?

PARADIGM SHIFT

You are undergoing radical growth in your belief systems. Now is the time to challenge old attitudes and question previous expectations. You are in an extraordinary time. Great leaps forward can be made in a moment. The world you thought you knew can suddenly break open, and a new world can become your reality.

Buddhists sometimes speak of the “beginner’s mind” – that which assumes nothing and therefore is open to everything. Old souls can sometimes find it hard to recapture their “not knowingness”. Asking someone with a lot of life experience, who may have become a bit world-weary, to drop expectations and look at the world through fresh eyes can be challenging. Yet life becomes much more energising and interesting when you are open and don’t hold expectations about what will be. Suddenly, you are receptive to the Universe helping you in ways that, in the past, you did not believe possible – all because you kept an open mind.

If you are feeling that you don’t really know yourself, your relationships or your place in the world as you once did – if you are feeling that what you once held to be certain now seems to be a little shaky – these are signs that you are going through paradigm shift. This will bring you new perceptions that will free you to be in the world in new ways. You will find yourself shedding old limiting fears and misconceptions. You are stepping beyond what you have known . You are a bit like a traveller in a new city feeling awkward until she gets the “lay of the land”, and how things operate in that new place. As you trust the unexpected and unknown, the Universe will be able to help you in unexpected and previously unknown ways. Embrace the power you have to be a free thinker. Dare to think thoughts of love rather than lower your vibration by choosing thoughts of fear. Trust, for something helpful and empowering is happening in your soul.

EARTH HEALING

You are making a real contribution to the planet through your spiritual journey. Remember this and believe that your needs will be generously met by the earth and the Universe. What you are doing matters, and you will be supported.

The earth recognises you. She sees you as a conduit through which she is fed higher frequencies of light, love and divine presence. This assists her on the journey of her own evolution. You are here to have your spiritual life journey in a human body. Part of that process will involve sharing your light with the earth, itself. This may see you take on the role of healer, guide, mentor or teacher to others on the path. It may see you doing work with the natural world. It may involve an active prayer life that is ongoing through your day, praying for assistance, compassion, clearing and blessing when you see an accident on the road, an animal or person who seems to be suffering, or an item on the news that you know needs light and healing.

From the most obvious gestures to the more subtle, you are powerful enough to make a meaningful contribution to the quality of consciousness upon Earth. Earth asks you to do your work with quiet confidence and dedication. She gives thanks for all you have done and acknowledges her love for you. She will support you in your work by providing material means for you, whilst you are here on this planet. These include financial support, housing, food and human and animal relationships. She will also provide guidance for your progress, opportunities to grow and expand your field of influence, education and training opportunities, the means to take advantage of them and the chance to apply what you have learned in a real-world context. The more you devote yourself to your task of earth healing, the more the earth will support you in fulfilling your inspired goals.

If you have been wondering if the spiritual work you are doing is making a contribution – what you are doing matters! Yes, you are going to expand and grow in the work you are doing and the impact that you have in the world, because you are capable of that. Keep working, shining and growing, dear one. Your presence here is so needed and honoured.

SOUL CHILD

Rebirth is upon you, beautiful child of the Universe. You have prepared for new life, and it is starting right now. The divine moment of rebirth – which occurs after a period of struggle, of intense inner work and physical transformation – has arrived. Enjoy getting to know this new self. It is new day, a new beginning, a new you. Like an adventurer enjoying the discovery of a brand new world, take your time to explore the increase of your light, power and love.

You have undergone the death of the old order. Nothing is as it was, nor will it be so again. You have had to learn detachment, to release and let go, over and over again. In so many ways, you have experienced inner death as you have bravely surrendered that which no longer serves your growth this lifetime – even if you once loved it dearly or couldn’t imagine life without it. Deep inside, through that process, your soul has been gathering energy. It has been drawing it away from the old forms of your life and relationships, from your old beliefs about health, finances, work and from what used to hold meaning for you. It has done so in order to feed the new soul child being carried within your body. This new you is filled with divine light, love and power. Your inner soul child, this newly integrated self, is preparing for birth, now. From that which is no longer, something new is now being born.

You are ready for the next cycle or phase of your life. Even if, like a newborn colt learning to stand steady on shaky legs, you are not sure of your strength, be reassured: The new self you are experiencing will grow strong and powerful soon enough. Let confidence in your new self emerge. Reflect upon how different you are now to a year or even a month ago. Be curious about who you are now. Do not expect the same reactions or experiences you encountered in your past. It is a time of celebration and acknowledgement that a new day, a new you has begun a journey in the physical world. You shall enjoy the divine harvest of all of your growth and effort!

So gorgeous one, how did that feel? We are coming up to Spring Equinox next week, so if you find yourself planning projects, wanting to grow things or randomly singing out loud – these are all good! Wishing you a stupendous week, and if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask. See you next Monday!

March is here and the energy has changed! And only 15 days until Spring Equinox!

Jenny Heston · 2:00 pm ·

Happy magnificent first Monday of March!!! Whoot! So excited March is here, there is a sense that winter is leaving (not when I look out the window so much), but definitely in my body and spirit, and the theme and energy has changed – more about that in a moment. First, I would like to say a huge thank you as so many of you sent me glorious messages and emails about my having to say goodbye to my lovely Uma, and I really, really appreciated them and the sharing of stories. So a huge heartfelt thank you!

Have to say, this week has been a week of “firsts” without having her around and at first I was so sad and angry about it all, which I noticed manifested in an odd cough and sinus pain. Duh! Sinus stuff is repressed anger, lung stuff is grief. Thus, I was very gentle with myself (and others – so no one ended up in the freezer) and made sure I was clear about what I was willing to do and what I just couldn’t, or even didn’t want to. Which shocked a few people, but felt very much like honouring where I was at and I wasn’t going to dumb it down to make others feel “okay”.

I took time this weekend to go play in the woods and just do some healing and releasing. On Saturday I went with a friend plodging through the snow and we bushwacked! What does that mean? It means we followed deer trails, elk trails that wended and winded through the forest and the deep snow, first up, then down, then up, along and slightly down and we had no concept to where we were. We had to crawl under brush, scramble over fallen trees covered with snow, or slide down a cliff on our bums, but I laughed and laughed. By the time it was all said and done we had done about 8 km and from the knee down were soaked, but it felt cleansing and gloriously grounding!

I also spent time bundled up just sitting outside and watching the dance of the squirrels and the crows. Every Saturday I put out seeds, peanuts in the shell and gorgeous little tidbits for them and then I laugh! A huge crow flies in and grabs a peanut whilst calling in all his friends, a small squirrel dashes along the top of the fence and has a face off with the crow (who does fly off) and grabs a peanut and sits very contentedly munching away, until a different crow flies in and the squirrel dashes off. Then this dance is repeated until everything is gone. I have to admit, I really admire squirrels, they are ballsy! Have you watched them? They go out on the thinnest of branches that bow under their weight, look at where they want to go and then just leap! I watched this little chap leap a good 4 feet onto the tiniest of branches, bounce up and down for a minute and then crack on with the mission of getting to the peanuts. They would make exceptional diamond thieves!

So as I mentioned earlier the energy has shifted and the theme for this month is Creative Adaptability. “Many of us are leaving February in a state of grump resistance to how things are unfolding both personally and globally. It will be both a challenge and a relief to have the opportunity to work with something new. It is time to change and step into a more proactive role in how we experience our lives. We need to be adaptable, not in a resigned acceptance, but rather in way that has us creating new recipes using familiar ingredients. Creativity is a key element this month.” If you want to learn more I highly suggest following Lena Stevens of the Powerpath.

Thus, it was no surprise that the deck that jumped out after this last week and weekend was The Oracle of the Faery Forest. Interesting to see that the crystals that came to play all remind me of birds eggs for some reason. So we have Angelite – a gorgeous crystal of heightened awareness, Chrysocolla – which revitalises and calms the base, navel and solar plexus and helps to ease emotional heartache, Sodalite – brings mental calmness and rational thinking. I use Angelite everytime I do a reading, I tuck it into my bra and have it next to my skin – would love to say I popped it in my cleavage but being long and lean it would probably drop all the way through to my ankles!

So with that overshare, let’s crack on! Take a moment to just come into your body, feel your feet on the ground and lengthen your neck and tuck your chin as if you are holding a large grapefruit under it. Just feel the energy moving up and down and breathe. Allow your wise inner self to come up and when you are ready pick the card or cards that resonate for you. If you want to get deliciously grounded and connected to the heavens, there is a glorious visualisation for you, although a helicopter decided to pop in briefly.

Have you picked?

Let’s go see who want to come support you this week.

THE GOLDEN UNICORN

Everyone deserves to have another person in their life to whom they can turn for protection and care. When this card comes for you, the Golden Unicorn is showing you the path to a person, advisor, or mentor who will assist you through the challenges you are now facing. When the Golden Unicorn appears, it is a beacon of hope, for with the right guidance, what seems to be impossible can be achieved, and you will no longer feel so raw, vulnerable, and unable to go on.

If you are facing unjust circumstances – you will be shown, step by step, how to get through this time, when it seems that all friends have fallen away, and the world is no longer a safe place. The glorious golden unicorn leads with reason, intelligence, and intuitive brilliance. With their guidance you will come to a safer place within the world, and be wiser in choices regarding friendships, alliances, partnerships.

You are wiser now, and will never be quite so hurt again. There is now protective energy about you, and it is safe for you to leave the current circumstances and create a new path. The judgment you have sensed about you will now dissipate, and true, good people enter your life to help heal the pain of friendships that have fallen.

OATH

An oath is a sacred bond that we make. It is more than a promise, it is the bond of a soul contract through the spoken word – and thus we must be cautious when we offer our word, and think through what it is we mean when we give it. It is impossible to ever know what another thinks we mean when we give our word, so when this card comes, there is a slight undertone of a warning – that another person may take your word and twist it to mean they have your loyalty forever, regardless of circumstance, behaviour, or treatment. An oath is made between equals, and an oath can be broken by both parties, and by circumstance.

You may now be considering a partnership or a contractual agreement. It is almost impossible to know how to ensure that this is a good thing, because the truth is, within every contract there is much that cannot be comprehended, even when it is read. If this is the case, ask the other party in the contract to explain what is meant by clauses you do not understand – and ask them to offer examples, so you can best understand the paper oath you are taking.

In some cases, it may be a handshake you are sealing an agreement with. Whatever its form, consider the weight that comes with the feeling of making this contract. Consider the future and the karmic load the agreement brings to you, along with its immediate benefits. It is the truth that when considering our word, we must understand as fully as we can what we have agreed to. Be sure to do this now.

CUNNINGWOMAN

Now is not the time for talk or action. It is a time to be independent, watchful, and intelligent.

This being holds with her very specific knowledge – the value of silence and watchfulness. Her message to you is to watch, and observe what people and beings around you are doing. It is through their actions that you will know them. There is also an element of secrecy – you must keep close to your heart certain information and thoughts at present. It is necessary for you to be very shrewd and careful about the next step – and this is no bad thing. It is wise to conserve your energy at this time, to be silent, to withhold, and to begin to see the patterns around you. You will soon know what to do, and exactly when to do it.

But now is not the time to share, to offer forth your most tender secrets, nor is it time to speak of what you know. It is time to be quiet, to observe, and to allow others to reveal who they are.

Quiet your mind, steady your gaze, resolve to be focused, and then your innate and clever nature will be able to make sense of what is taking place about you. Be the point of stillness, watchfulness, and wisdom. Let everything just drop away. And begin to see the truth, as revealed by what is actually happening, uncoloured by story, imagination, interpretation.

Wow! Well that is quite delicious – protection, oaths and silent observation!!!

Holy hannah! Well glorious one wishing you an amazing week where you feel your roots are strong, your trunk is flexible and your canopy reaches to the heavens to receive love, nurturing and joy! Oh yes, and if you are surrounded by snow and rain, treat yourself and buy a lovely cheerful bunch of daffs!

Oh yes, and I’m creating a free glorious “Spring into Life” challenge. 5 days of easy ritual, tuning up all your energies and aspects of your life, releasing the “blaugh” and ending with a glorious ritual on Spring Equinox. So you feel clear, joyful and on purpose. More info on that coming out later this week.

Big hugs and squeezes.

We are near the end of February and what a week it has been! Weekly Reading February 26th.

Jenny Heston · 2:00 pm ·

Happy glorious Monday delicious one. How has your week been? Do you realise that in a week we will be in March (thank goodness, as that means Spring is going to be here soon). I will be honest, this was a really tough reading to do. It’s been a heck of a week here, my gorgeous gal and most favourite dog – Uma went to sleep on Friday. So the week has been a rollercoaster of emotions everything from tears, hope, deep sadness and anger – big anger. I noticed on Monday she wasn’t her usual self and took her to the Vet’s on Wednesday to find out she had bone marrow cancer and then on Friday she looked at me and literally asked to go. So incredibly hard. Sometimes I hate being a grownup!

On Saturday I had to attend a meeting at the Legion and it took everything for me to keep it together, to stay prickly enough that people wouldn’t come near me and ask me dumb questions (as I felt very inclined to advise them of their stupidity – I know, not kind, but I wasn’t feeling kind). I was feeling deeply sad and wounded. I did really well and just stayed quiet, took the minutes and was counting the time until I could bolt and then someone walked up with a service dog. I literally bit the inside of my cheek and dug my nails into my palms whilst looking at anything other than that dog until the meeting was done and then – well all bets were off. I bolted out the door and the tears came hot and fast. When I got home I realised that I needed to write, to write to my gorgeous gal, to write to the pain and the loss and this whirlwind week, so I did. I wrote an Ode to my gorgeous gal. Interesting to see that the weather has been reflecting my mood, it’s grey out there with continual snow and blowing winds – bleak. But I know Spring will come, the snow will stop, the sun will shine and these waves of overwhelming emotion will gradually get further and further apart.

I thought the Rumi deck, or the Wild Kuan Yin would be the ones that wanted to come play, however, they weren’t. It is The Divine Circus which did make me laugh a bit “May your rebel heart always be bold. May your spirit always be free.” The crystals that wanted to come play are:- Amethyst, Aragonite, Smoky Quartz.

So with all that being said, I invite you to gently close your eyes down and take a glorious deep breath in, nice and slow through your nose and then a lovely sigh like exhale through your mouth. Keep breathing in this way and see at your heart centre a glorious ball of warm light. Envision this ball of light moving down your body and going out the soles of your feet, down, down, down into the gorgeous molten core of the earth. Feel it click into the gorgeous grounding earth energy and then move itself back up and through your lovely body and out the top of your head. As it moves up, up, up it expands completely around you so that you are standing in the middle of this lovely warm light and feel, as it expands out into the Universe, feel it click into the universal energy – the realm of infinite possibilities. Now that you are connected to earth and Divine, your ball of light moves slowly back to your heart space and gently sits there, nurturing, guiding, healing and loving. With this energy surrounding you, in you and through you, gently open your eyes and trust yourself as you pick the card or cards that call to you.

Ready to go see?

SWEETHEART

You’ve know violence in your life; maybe on the outside, maybe on the inside with a mind that has tortured you with fear, shame, darkness and doubt. Enough of that now. It is time for a gentler way – less pain, more gain. No more torture. It’s your time for sweets and treats.

There is so much violence in the world, and in our own minds, that we can assume this is just the way of the world, that we have to accept it, deal with it, and thereby forget we have the right to question it and even change it, if we so choose. Even the most ambitious desires for healing the world start with us as individuals. We cannot bring more peace to the world if there is violence in our hearts. Regrets, shaming judgements, fear of not being good enough, uncertainty and constant pushing to become more, to do more, to have more, can become the energetic equivalent of beating ourselves up every day. This creates invisible bruises that never have time to heal because we don’t give ourselves the sweetness, kindness and compassion we need to break free from the abusive cycle.

This cycle you are coming to is sweeter, one that is more loving, one that promises new life. But you have to be willing to dispense with the violence, one step at a time. You deserve to give yourself a gentler life journey. Would you accept this for yourself? If there are abusive or toxic relationships in your life, then you’ll need to do some relationship overhauling. No matter how much the people involved may proclaim their love, if underneath it is unhealthy, if a relationship is holding you back rather than helping to lift you up, then reconsider its place in your life.

You can’t taste the sweetness that life wants to bring to you if you are crammed full of stuff you don’t need or want anymore. Create some space. Ready yourself for receiving life’s nectar and believe in the power of your new beginning. You are a true sweetheart of the universe. Let yourself be treated accordingly.

CONFETTI

You will soon have cause for celebration. Whether a big win or a token gain affirming that the best is yet to come, sweet success is headed your way. Prepare to celebrate! It’s time to find the celebratory spirit within. Maybe you already feel it, or maybe it’s the last thing in the world you can imagine feeling right now, but whether it’s on your radar or not, a cause for celebration is imminent.

It’s time to spend your energy in playfulness. If you want more success, happiness and celebration in your life, you can enhance that right now by being happy for the success of others around you. Do you know that success is like a wave? When you genuinely congratulate another and feel happy for their happiness, your own energy field gets a jolt of that same energy. You attract it into your own life. You deserve success for all you are and all you’ve accomplished just as much as anyone else.

So be happy for another – even if a part of you wonders if there is enough to go around, if maybe they have taken your piece of the pie, or if you wonder if their success is really served. Let such thoughts be without adding to their power for thinking such a way. Just take charge and choose how you want to respond. Be happy for them and be happy for you as the universe is giving you notice of a party – and you are most definitely meant to attend – and it’s heading your way.

DEATH SHALL NOT TAKE HIM

You are going to witness the impossible made possible. Whatever you think is lost, is not. Whatever you think cannot be, shall be. The universe is going to intervene and what seems to be over, shall in a new way, live again.

Sometimes, just when you think it’s all over, the eleventh hour comes. You can practically hear the opening chords of your swan song, and when you have finally given up, suddenly, somehow, right before your eyes, everything changes – just like that. You were free-falling and then, suddenly, you are soaring. Fate steps in, destinies are altered and life demonstrates its creative, restorative power, even if all seemed lost.

No matter how defeated you feel, no matter how many dead ends you’ve encountered, how many setbacks, how many failures, no matter how impossible success may seem, the universe has your back and is going to right things in your favour. You will succeed. So if you really must (sigh) doubt for one more moment – go ahead, then replace doubt with trust and participate in the divine defiance of life refusing to be stepped on or crushed. Why not just frigging relax and bear witness to the universe’s impressive display of life-giving power with reverence and delight? Gorgeous one – get out of your own way!

Wishing you a glorious week where you treasure every moment, laugh as often as possible, tell the people and animals in your life how much you love them and remember that everything is transitory – so celebrate everything! My lovely sister sent me a blessing this weekend that is absolutely beautiful and an amazing reminder that life is good, life is love and there is always someone there to hold us, help us dust off our dirty knees and to remind us that this too will pass. The blessing is called Beannacht by John O’Donohue and starts off with –

On the day when
The weight deadens
On your shoulders
And you stumble,
May the clay dance
To balance you.

Beannacht

Jenny Heston · 5:26 pm ·

On the day when
The weight deadens
On your shoulders
And you stumble,
May the clay dance
To balance you.

And when your eyes
Freeze behind
The grey window
And the ghost of loss
Gets into you,
May a flock of colours,
Indigo, red, green
And azure blue,
Come to awaken in you
A meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays
In the currach of thought
And a stain of ocean
Blackens beneath you,
May there come across the waters
A path of yellow moonlight
To bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
May the clarity of light be yours,
May the fluency of the ocean be yours,
May the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow
Wind work these words
Of love around you,
An invisible cloak
To mind your life.

~ John O’Donohue ~

Ode to My Gorgeous Gal – R.I.P Uma

Jenny Heston · 4:41 pm ·

Uma, my gorgeous gal, the one that has walked so many different paths with me and has always been there, the dog of my heart. I got her as a rescue dog and drove to Trail to bring her and the whole litter home to foster them. 13 years ago I had lost my golden lab Maia to mouth cancer and my black lab Rudolph was bereft, he had never been alone, he had always had Maia. Thus, I thought it was a great plan to foster some puppies to see if that helped him. He hated them, actually he hated all of them except Uma. So the others found their forever homes somewhere else and Uma came to our forever home.

She was such a brilliant dog, sharp, bright and so incredibly loving without being a slobbery git. She came camping, travelling, exploring and fairly much anywhere I could take her. In the woods she was always the one that stayed close whilst the male dogs cavorted amongst the trees. She was the one that the minute she heard me go to bed, I could hear her on the stairs flumping down after me to hop up on the bed and curl up on the bottom left hand corner. When I went to Victoria to help Dee (my mother), she kept me sane – when Dee would kick off Uma and I would walk and I would chant. One day between the myriad of walks I realised we had done 25 km. She has flown with me, hiked with me and when I haven’t been feeling well she was always there on the corner of the bed looking at me and checking in.

In the mornings I would get up and go to the kitchen and the minute she heard the toaster pop down and the frying pan go on, voila up she would get to hang out and see if there were any scraps going.

So it’s been a heck of a week. A week ago today was Chinese New Year, where we entered the Year of the Male Earth Dog. We had a glorious celebration and Uma and the other two bounded around excited to see all the people and snag some tidbits of beef, lemon chicken or salmon. Saturday as it started to snow and snow and snow some more we went for a glorious walk and as usual she explored but always came back to check in with me and then dash off to cavort with the other dogs.

On Monday even though it was chilly, the sky was blue and the sun bright and brilliant – quite a gorgeous day so I rejigged my schedule so I could take the doggos out for a glorious romp with my friend Christine and her dog. There was so much snowy expanse to run, play and frolic – as well as trees to dash behind and hide whilst waiting for another dog to run by, but she didn’t play. The others all did, but she didn’t cavort, she stayed right to my heel and seemed to be slower and the walk not so enjoyable for her. By Monday night I knew she wasn’t feeling well.

Tuesday, she was worse, stairs were becoming a problem and she wouldn’t eat (which was highly unusual for her). Wednesday it was even more prevalent and she would look at me with eyes that saw but didn’t really, and large strings of drool hanging from her mouth. I also noticed the two other male dogs were exceptionally gentle around her and they would cry, which they never do. In my head she was going to be fine, it was all good and it would be something simple. So off to the vet we went. First diagnosis was Pneumonia. Sweet! We can deal with that right? Some antibiotics, rest, lots of water and she will be right as rain and ready for another glorious adventure.

The vet ran blood tests and did a chest x-ray and you know there is something more when the Vet goes out to get a chair so she can sit next to you. Well the blood tests didn’t come out well, she had no white blood cells and a massive secondary infection.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. There were two things, either she had a tick borne virus or it was bone marrow cancer. The first one could be dealt with by antibiotics, the other one – nadda. Another test was run to see if it was tick borne, and whilst that was happening I walked in the wind and the bleak grey cold along the dog beach looking at all the other dogs and allowing tears to freeze on my cheeks. Come on Jen, think positive, it’s all going to be good. Back to the Vets and nope, not a tick borne virus – bone marrow cancer. However, give her antibiotics will deal with the secondary infection and she can rally and you have another year. FUCK!

I took my gorgeous girl home, snuggled her, cried and told her how much she was loved. My heart felt so incredibly sad and heavy. The next day I cleared my schedule and hung out with her, I poached chicken, baked salmon – cooked beef liver to try to entice her to eat. Nadda. My gorgeous girl normally would follow me around the house when I was home and she tried valiantly – but she couldn’t. She fell down the stairs, she would stand and wobble and look at me and I kept whispering to her “You are so loved, you are the bestest dog ever and if you need to leave I will miss you like a piece of my being has been taken, if you can rally – I would love that to pieces.”

That night I wrapped her in a gorgeous clean blankie, just for her and took her to bed. As I watched her I wondered if she would be there in the morning, and guess what? She was!

I was so excited!!! She’s going to be okay! More antibiotics down her throat (which she hated) and I had to go meet with clients and do some work, so my son stayed with her as I didn’t want her to be alone at all. When I got home in the early afternoon I bounded up the stairs looking for her, she was lying next to the water dish in the kitchen and it took all her energy to lift up her head and look at me. My legs melted and I sat on the floor next to her and sobbed. Uma, Puma – you need to go don’t you? Fuck! I have to be the adult and make that choice for you. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

2pm the Vet was phoned. 3:30 found my son and I walking into the vets with her wrapped up in her special blankie. Multiple visits from various technicians trying to amp up the price – for just a little more you can do this…… Seriously people, you have had over $1,000 in 2 days, can you please back away? We stroked her, told her gorgeous stories as the first sleepy injection went in. I took her collar off and told her she was free to leave, that it was okay – she had been such an amazing protector and friend, but it was okay to rest and release. The second injection went in and at 3:59 she passed. I stroked her and then she coughed and expelled air. But Uma was gone, it was just the body expelling air, which she did 3 times. Have to say scared the heck out of me at first.

As the ground is frozen solid here there is no where to bury her, so I had to leave her behind to be cremated. But as I watched her head loll I knew she wasn’t here anymore. I got home and sat. Just kind of numb and bleak and then randomly there was a moth. Ummm, excuse me, it’s a bazillion degrees cold outside, how the heck did you get here. It kept bopping around my head and part of me wanted to crush it between my palms. But hang on, moths and butterflies are all about transformation. Hmmmm, so I let her dance around me for a while and then after an hour or so, she just seemed to vanish. Was that Uma coming to say goodbye and that she was safe? I don’t know, but it did make me feel good.

Do I feel her here? You bet. Was last night tough to not see her on the left corner of the bed – hell yes. This morning when I went outside with my tea and the toaster had been popped down I could hear scratching at the door, so I opened it and a ghost came out. Five days, I wasn’t ready for this to be honest.

Jenny Heston

jennyheston

Release Anxiety And Claim Your Power